Your presence does make a difference! Your loved one is dying. Maybe it's a family
member, someone in your local church, congregation, co-worker or someone from your tennis or baseball team. They've been sick for a while, you heard they're on hospice and treatment hasn't helped. You'd like to visit them, but you're unsure what to do or how to approach it.
Many thoughts may cross your mind, and you may think if you visit, what would you say to them, whether or not you're helping, what to do on your visit.
Here are some helpful suggestions:
Before your visit:
Take a deep breath, it's ok not to know what to do at first. It's natural to be concerned but your visit comes from the heart and your loved one will feel comforted by your presence.
It's important that you're at a place of peace before visiting. If you don't feel calm, peaceful and centered, take some time to quiet yourself.
Intention is everything.
If your visit is intended to make a person feel encouraged, cared about, or put a smile on his or her face, the person will sense it.
Your visit DOES make a difference.
Always plan your visit. Call ahead to determine which time of day works best, whether it's between bathing or medications, and or dressing. Also, on the day of your visit, call to confirm your visit and assess your loved one's state or mood of the day.
Bringing Gifts is possible. Check with the caregiver, facility to ensure they allow gifts and what type of gifts are encouraged. Gifts to bring can include a photo album with pictures of friends / family and or special memories, scrapbook, cozy blanket, delicious treats, relaxing candle, flowers etc.
What to do when you get there:
Be courteous and ask for permission. Tell people what you're doing and talk to them respectfully. When you meet someone, tell them who you are, what you're doing, what will happen. Always ask permission before entering a room and before you touch a patient. Then, people like knowing what will happen before it actually happens, so giving them that respects, puts them at ease and makes them comfortable to receive you.
Be comfortable. Don't linger by the door even if the visit is only short, take a deep breath as there's no need to act awkward or unusual. Greet your loved one the same way you do normally, say Hi, or shake their hand, or give them a gentle hug, sit down, take off your coat. This demonstrates you're paying attention to your loved one.
Be authentic with you loved one. It's ok to laugh and share jokes, and it's also ok to be sad.
Be attentive. Take cues from your loved one about what they want to talk about while you're there and let your loved one steer the conversation. If serious topics come up, be attentive to their needs and listen with an open mind. Your loved one might talk about their fears, regrets, or frustrations. Do your best to listen without changing the topic, the subject or talking over them. Respect the fact that they trusted you with their thoughts and feelings on the matter.
The gift of presence. Don't force a conversation. Sometimes sitting in silence, together can just be enough. Just being present with your loved one means much to them and it's the most meaningful thing.
What to say when you don't know what to say:
Remember: just your presence is a huge source of support. Don't stress about
it. Relax, be your self, saying the right thing is not difficult and it's important
how your loved one feels and views things, not what you do.
Let them know you've been thinking about them. Do say: "It's good to see you".
"How are you doing?"
"You're in my heart". Letting someone know you love them, can mean the world.
"I love you". When all is said and done, love is what is left. Share the love as honestly and as often as you can. These words can be the difference between your loved one feeling like their challenges are impossible and feeling like they can do anything.
Avoid intrusive questions about specifics that may upset your loved one, such as how much time the person has left. Let them know you're ready to listen if they want to talk.
"What can I do for you today?"
If you're at a loss of words, it's ok to say: "Mat, I don't know what to say or do, but I'm here and I care about you".
Listen and Keep the conversation positive, encouraging and silence is ok. Just listen quietly.
"Please forgive me". You may have some regrets about hurtful words or action. Don't let unfinished business remain unfinished.
"I forgive you". This is the perfect time to let go of hurt feelings and anger. You will also have a feeling of peace after the person's death.
"What's on your mind". Follow your loved one's lead and let them lead in conversation topics.
"Tell me more" Hear them out. Validate their thoughts and emotions.
"I'm here to listen if you want to talk about [describe] it."
"I know [name] is very special to you, and this must be very difficult".
Offer sympathy and empathy. You can bring a lot of comfort simply by being empathetic and acknowledging how hard it must be for them.
"It's me, your [daughter/son/spouse]." Hallucination is sometimes a part of dying. If your loved one has upsetting auditory or visual hallucinations, try to bring them back to the present. If the hallucinations are comforting to them, it is best to let them be.
Do their chores. Ask them "Let me know if there's anything I can do".
Have meals delivered. You can send family members who are caretakers gift cards to their favorite restaurant or local delivery services like Doordash or Instacart or others.
"Thank you". Let this person know you appreciate them and all they have done for you. These words can add dignity to the final stages of life.
The primary goal of your visit is to give your loved one comfort, support, and dignity during their end-of-life journey. It's important to be mindful how you approach the situation and sensitive to their needs. Although visiting someone on hospice can be a difficult and emotional experience both for you and your loved one, it's important to remember that your visit is empowering, supportive, helps bring closure, makes them feel loved, cared for, it's sentimental and a significant source of relief. It's a comforting experience for everyone involved.
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